Weeeell, it took a full month longer* than I originally planned, but I am pleased to announce that I finished formatting all of my self-care diaries from last year.
*this truthfully just means I procrastinated
It turns out there isn’t a very easy way to display WordPress entries in reverse chronological order (where January 1 is the first post you see, and December 31st the last). Fortunately, I figured out a workaround of sorts. Click below:
Reading back through each post felt a lot like going through my childhood treasure box. Each entry transported me back to exactly where I was, and how I was feeling when I wrote that post. At the time, I didn’t feel like I was changing a lot throughout the year, and you can tell that my day-to-day growth was subtle at best. But even just comparing week on week, let alone several months at a time, it’s so clear to see that my mental and emotional horizons were being challenged by leaps and bounds.
My favorite posts where the ones where I was essentially musing on “walking by faith”. Not in the overtly religious sense, but more as a counter-balance to my swing toward the other end of the spectrum, where I trusted nobody and nothing to look out for me and felt like I had to control every aspect of my life in order to feel safe. I remember posts where I’d talk about pushing forward and trusting that there was more available to me in the universe than I had seen yet.
I mean, I talked about applying for something WELL beyond my reach (and honestly, not entirely how I wanted to spend 2018). I didn’t go into it expecting to come even close to getting it; rather, I simply did it for the discipline of trying for something a bit beyond my reach. Bam, a scant five weeks later, I landed something else that’s WAY better of a fit for me and my current lifestyle, and even more fulfilling in terms of what I find meaningful.
To the extent that any of that success was my own doing, I fully credit my new dream job(s) to my willingness to hope/dream/try again, and to do so without fear of failure. Of course I didn’t WANT to fail, but the idea of doing so didn’t faze me any more because my identity and self-worth no longer depended on it. I think it’s also worth noting that it DID take me those two years of grieving to finally numb myself to the fear of failure.
I will have more follow-up thoughts, including a quick bullet-point list of things I got to do last year. But in the meantime, here’s my 2017.